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December 20086Dd
This page has that provide clues and otherwise irrelevant goings-on. When you place your cursor on a picture, the picture may change. Same thing goes for text. Or other weird stuff may happen. Or maybe nothing at all.
The Budman
Pictures from this year's Christmas Party are on the website's Events Page (http://www.auburnhostlions.org/pages/events.htm). Check them out, all fifty plus!
The 3rd saw
Lions
Dick Anderson, Jug Covich, Andy Zimmer, the suited Budman, Pat
McKee, and Russ Lewis,
all munching on the faux symptoms offered
by migraine headaches, the latest Placer High victory over
top-seeded Oakdale, the advantages of AT&T DSL over Hughes
satellite, and the latest in email confusion from the Cal group.
The 17th found
a horde of Lions at the bar,
the Prez opining on Placer's show against Whitney at Folsom
High, Lions La
rry and Steve arm wrestling for Buds and a rare
appearance by Lion Tommy Tratt who ordered his first Cabbie of
the year. Lion Dennis even dropped by to comment on the
Miller-Johnson era.
The 3rd saw
moi at Shields'
Shanty, Lions Pat, Dayne, Bob, Bud, and Roy munching on salad
and chicken enchiladas provided by our audition
ing new caterer,
Tom of Marybelle's (who is also a 49er!). Two guests were
present, Tom Rawson and Paul Batmale. Paul
's son J.P. was a
student Body president at Placer and wowed everyone with his
enthusiasm. Tricky Dick Molzahn grabbed the Exempt Badge for $11
and listened intently as Lion Pat McKee, feeling the ambiance of
the moment, strode to the fore and told the joke of the day:
Seems old Paddy walked into a bar and got in one hellacious
fight. A bar buddy asked Paddy what happened and Paddy replied
that his attacker, Jimmy O'Conner, was wielding one mean shovel
and laid to him. The bar buddy then asked Paddy if he had
anything in his hands in defense. "Yes," Paddy offered, "I had
Mrs. O'
Conner's bosoms, which were wonderful to hold but totally
worthless in a fight." A scattering of huzza-huzza's. Prez
Chucky-Buck reminded the board members of the meeting at Lion
Moe Griffiths next week, the day after the Christmas Party, and
Lion Pat McKee made sure all knew that the BnG Club were the
grand marshals at this year's Festival of Lights parade. Mark
Stempel (long gone by ticket time like every other communist)
won the free meal and it was accepted by Lion Iwan, who was
promised half of Lion Mark's salad and cookie next week as well
as free correspondence courses at UC Berkeley (socialism pays).
The golf ball lottery also went to Lion Mark, but Prez
Chucky-Buck Rogers had the wisdom of Solomon (and Reagan) to say
"There you go again!" The winner must be present. Lion Dayne was
selected on the second draw and when he pulled a blank ball, he
wept openly and at length. Mikey, the regular Tahoe Club
barkeep, was the only one to comfort him.
The 17th found
Shields' Shanty agog with
the over-the-top arrogance and chutzpah of Lion Bob as he
castigated the editor for not having paid for his lunch of
salad, mashed potatoes, and meatloaf. I thought bartending
guaranteed one a free lunch! We'll bring it up at the next board
meeting. Talk from Lion Tony fled to how Lou LaBonte's hadn't
changed in sixty years, to Lion Bud's affirmation that it
provided his Investment Club members with a brief hint of
yesteryear when th
ey still had profitable portfolios.
Financially speaking, Lions Bud and Ralph tuned me into just
what a Ponzi scheme was and is as we masticat
ed our mashed
potatoes and meatlloaf, enjoying the fact that so many
hedge fund managers had gotten away with millions. No guests or
visiting Lions but Mr. Tradition, Lion Leon (Isn't that an
etymological redundancy?), bagged the Exempt Badge for ten bucks,
and immediately tried to use it unwarrantedly by paying for his
birthday in advance. Lion Pat, in perfect Daytonese, offered the
joke of the day: a guy working in a pickle factory confided that
he had the desire to put his penis in the
pickle slicer. He did one day and was fired. When asked what
happened to the slicer, he replied that she was fired too.
Huzzas to the power of seven. Not to be seasonally outdone, our
veritable Prez stepped up with a down San
ta enduring four sick
elves, Ms. Claus telling him her mother was in for the holidays,
three reindeer pregnant, no maintenance on the sleigh, and
when he went to spice up his apple cider with a little rum, he
found the elves had been into it and broke the jug, a hundred
shards of it lying on the floor. Just then the doorbell rang
and, irritated, Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and
there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The
angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this
a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you
like me to stick it?'
And that's the story of why t
here's a little angel on top of the
Christmas tree. After the holiday huzzas subsided, L
ion Dayne
thanked all who worked on the Christmas Party, and Tony O gave
thanks for the toys headed to the Salvation Army and Children's
Receiving Home. Lion Bob Hostler eats on the house on
January 7th, 2009 and Lion Pip will be forever polishing a golf
ball.
The 3rd saw
Lion Pimp crap the
club on a seven for his eternal age of thirteen. He
needs to
work on the acne.
The 17th found Lion Steve Stephenson touting his anniversary of forty-eight years, two more than his IQ.
The 3rd saw all fit and well for the Holidays.
The 17th found various low-level maladies lingering 'neath the surface but the Holiday Spirit cures all!
The 3rd saw Jeff Glazner, owner and principal of Northfork
Associates, an environmental consulting firm located in Auburn. Jeff
jokingly upstaged his presenter, Lion Tommy Tratt, by suggesting
that he was definitely not an "intellectual" (although he holds
a degree in botany); rather, he was a "practitioner," one who
enjoyed looking at the Placer landscape and accurately defining
it so that property owners and developers could better interact
with federal regulations, state and county regulations, and
environmental groups. His definition (s) of a wetland definitely
went beyond the practitioner stage. Jeff emphasized the
anaerobic conditions of wetlands whether they demonstrated
hydric vegetation, soil (black and gray), or hydrology (pooling
and ponding). Most people think of wetlands as being just that—wet—
having the top 12 inches of soil replaced by water for more
that two weeks a year. Most perceptions of wetlands are on the
money—swamps, marshes, and bogs. However, "dry" wetlands do
occur. It is in the testing of the soil that reveals what is
truly a wetland. Jeff's presentation included a number of slides
from Placer County, from the "Trout Creek" of Truckee to the
rice fields of the lowlands, to Lincoln Airport, which sports
really hard surfaces surrounded by pooling wetlands.
The 17th found
Auburn Mayor Mike Holmes updating us on
current events in the City of Auburn. First things first!
Mike congratulated the Placer Hillmen on their excellent showing
in the football season. He then ran through a litany of items
against the same dismal financial background that we are all too
familiar with. All is not bleak, he urged, but we as a city are
very close to mimicking the state's situation. He guaranteed all
that police, fire, and public works will receive top priority.
He emphasized that the city would not emulate the county with
holiday layoffs of personnel. The city has put funds in reserve
in recent years. They will cushion the blow that is coming
already in the downturn of sales and property taxes. The biggest
money issue facing the city now is an infrastructure decision;
whether to treat our wastewater locally or ship it to
Lincoln. Mike favors the strategic solution of Lincoln, although
the price will be high. He is not in favor of increasing fees
unless the feds and the state help out. The city is calling for
an economic summit on January 13, 2009. Mike then touched on a
number of projects and their possibility of attracting more
revenue for the city: the Airport Project (a public/private
enterprise to provide more hangars and more revenue), the
streetscape Project to blend Old Town Auburn with Uptown Auburn
and attract more people, the appearance of Costco on Nevada
Street and Trader Joe's at the new Plaza on 49 and Luther Road,
the arrival of the Hampton Inn (103 rooms) on the Russell Road
off ramp, and the availability of community block grants for
enterprising small businesses. These projects are set against
the scaling back of the Baltimore Ravine development and
negotiations with Union pacific to have "quiet zones" in the
city. Mike finished by fielding "grass roots" question from the
crowd on parking inadequacies in the city, cleaning of ravines,
illuminating our flag properly and getting some structures
(not the Tahoe club) on the National Registry. Yes, Mike would
agree that he is a small town mayor!
The 3rd saw Lion Pat greeted with pre-mature laughter by none other than the undercutting editor at his attempt to tell his joke of the day.
The 17th found guest speaker mayor Mike Holmes leveling out the auburn Journal with "If it happens in auburn, it's news to me!"
The 3rd saw Steve Stephenson go up in flames as he bid on the exempt badge, having, as the crowd complained, "no money—he's a GM retiree who flew in to lunch today on his private jet."
The 17th found Lion Leon looking forlorn and lonely as he attempted to use his purchase of the Exempt Badge to ward off calls for a fine for proposing that he be allowed to pay for his birthday early and get to roll the dice. No dice, Lion Leon.
The 3rd saw
Lion Al Dumm
re-circulate a new sign up sheet for Salvation Army Bell Ringing
on the 15 and 16th of December at the Safeway in Auburn. Lion
Tony O said to be sure to bring gifts to the next noon meeting
on the 17th or to the Christmas Party on the eighth. Lion Dayne
announced we have seventy coming to the Christmas Party and
Bootleggers tops out at eighty. It will be more than close for
comfort when Dave Sorenson, music director at Placer High
School, brings his choral group to perform. Lip Pip reminded us
all of our 2500 pound spud off-loading commitment on the 18th at
the fair grounds. Pip also reminded board members of the meeting
next Wednesday at 11:30 at the Tahoe club to discuss fund
disbursement criteria.
The 17th found Lion Bud soliciting strong backs for tomorrow's potato-fest at the Armory and Lion Prez Chuck-Buck reminded us that the next meeting would not be until January7th. Below you can see the unbridled effort of those who showed up to watch the forklift do for them wnat others could not.
The 2008 Potato Heads
Keep your snow cold and your cider warm. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
The Dancing Lions of Foxtrot, Zimbabwe
Trained since they were pups, the dancing Lions of Foxtrot, Zimbabwe, Laurel and Lebron, have been thrilling visitors for over a decade. Their skill and movement is legendary. Shown doing the veldt two-step, Laurel and Lebron are certified in all of the dances below and have won the PETA Crystal Ball three times.
| bolero | Spanish dance with sudden pauses and sharp turns at convention venues |
| bossa-nova | Brazilian dance similar to samba with its roots in the Newcastle shuffle |
| buck-and-wing | solo tap dance with many leg flings and leaps over fences and property lines in Ophir |
| cakewalk | prancing stage dance with backward tilt as if one just sold their best sow at the fair |
| cancan | French woman's dance involving high kicks while holding up front of skirt and donning a Lions vest |
| carioca | variation of the samba but usually with a goat for partner |
| cha-cha | fast rhythmic ballroom dance punctuated with the singing of the national anthem of a failed country |
| Charleston | fast-paced 1920s dance characterized by energetic kicking and gouging of the extremities |
| conga | Afro-Conga dance performed by a group in a single line, waiting for insemination in Ophir |
| fandango | lively Spanish dance performed by a couple, usually childless |
| flamenco | vigorous rhythmic dance originating with Gypsies, newts, salamanders, and Ophirites |
| fox-trot | slow and complex ballroom dance involving no lifts and strict concentration on stalls to be cleaned |
| hula | sinuous Polynesian dance with rhythmic hip movements best seen in the mating dance of wild Ophir scorpions |
| hustle | lively disco dance derived from swing elements with a circuitous pattern like surface worms in an Ophir treatment plant |
| host | a slow, methodical dance where participants climb a series of stairs, fall on each other, then gasp, and then eat |
| jig | springy and sprightly dance as seen at fairs where Ophirites sell their stock. |
| jitterbug | jazz dance featuring vigorous acrobatic feats, like men vaulting onto the back of wild geese and yelling "Fly!" |
| lion | a frenetic jumping about with the swinging of golf clubs in every direction |
| paso-doble | quick Spanish one-step dance for those having one leg |
| polka | lively Bohemian dance for a couple bored with their lunch |
| quickstep | fast march-like dance for Fourth of July Parade wannabes |
| reel | lively dance of the Scottish Highlands performed by Scottish goats in Ophir |
| rumba | Cuban ballroom dance with pronounced hip movements performed by Lions with hip replacements |
| salsa | fast Latin American jazz-influenced dance for people who spill salsa on themselves |
| samba | Brazilian dance of African origin perfected by Ophirites who raise African goats |
| shag | dance where participants hop energetically about on a shag rug, looking for opportunities to clean it |
| shimmy | jazz dance featuring rapid shaking of the body, not to be confused with Host members natural palsy |
| shuffle | dance featuring sliding or scraping of the feet while climbing the stairs at the Tahoe Club |
| stomp | jazz dance featuring heavy stamping of the feet performed when the Prez makes a gaffe |
| tango | Latin-American (orig. Argentinean) ballroom dance with long pauses for Lion to cross the sreet |
| tarantella | fast violent Italian folk dance performed by Morello on a good day when he has had seven drinks |
| twist | dance featuring many gyrations of the hips, if they are still natural and not titanium |
| two-step | ballroom dance with two main steps, one to the lunch line, one to the home table |
| waltz | ballroom dance in 3/4 time amended by the Hosts to 8/4 time with two time-outs and an extended half-time |
OK, who's playing Santa at this Lion's function from year's past?
The
Christmas Parrot
One day a man walked into a bar and sat down next to a guy with a parrot on his shoulder.
The bartender said, "Cute parrot, does he talk?"
The guy with the parrot says, "He does more than just talk, watch." The
guy lit a match and placed it under the parrots left foot. Then
the parrot started singing "Jingle Bells", it was a Christmas Parrot.
The guy then placed the match under the right foot and the parrot then
started to sing "The Twelve Days of Christmas."
The bartender said, "That's incredible". He then asked, "What does he
say when you place a match between his feet?"
The guy said, "You know I never tried that, let's see."
When the match was placed between the feet of the parrot, the parrot
eyes grew large, he took a deep breath, and began to sing a familiar
Christmas tune... "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire."
| a. Why am I the only guy here? | |
| b. Do I smell or something? | |
| c. Nobody has given me anything, not a dime. A kid hit me with a stick. | |
| d. Yours.... |
Photo Ops from Places, Things and Events Bearing the Lion Name
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Red Lion Resort, Seychelles
The Red Lion Resort in Seychelles offers beautiful scenery and the opportunity to frolic in the surf.
Chris Cringle
"The weakest part of my game is putting. I can't see the ball over my stomach."
"The next guy who says "Ho-Ho-Ho" when I tee off sleeps with an elf."
"The toughest thing about this game is losing a tee in your beard."
"I always skip Ophir on a fly-by."
"Merry Christmas my ass. You tee off first."
The Board wisely decided this month to don appropriate garb for the season and veto all requests for funds.
This
month's puzzle is so difficult I'm putting in ten bucks of my
own! It's on homonyms.
See You Next Month!