February 2010

February 2010

       The Budman and the Trojan

The 3rd witnessed a congested bar scene with over ten Lions lapping at the red, far too many to enumerate. It must have been Lion Bud's new cologne as he talked about an upcoming visit with Dayton who just had several growths removed. Lion Chuck-Buck Rogers was soliciting help for the Higgins Award when the editor found it appropriate to steer him to Lion Jim "the fourth" Luttrell. Lion Jim, true to his commie UCLA heritage, was again trying to back out.

The 10th revealed a desolate bar scene (one sale only to Lion Klink) tended by Lion Chris Beckman who gazed transfixed at the big screen TV, looking at who else? Martha freaking Stewart! When I chastised Lion Chris for his poor tuning capabilities, he struggled with the remote, saying, " I can't change it." Must have been the power of Martha. Another innocent vassal in her legions of loyal admirers. All the while Martha kept prattling on and on about the verities and intimacies of cooking a great pasta. Where in the hell is Bud when you truly need him?

The 17th revealed nary two reds in Lions Tony O and LPSSTT though they were carefully watched by Lions Andy Zimmer and Moe Griffiths. Talk went to Lion Andy's Norwegian getaway next September and the fact that he has been assaulted by mosquitoes lately. I told him they were attracted to dead meat. How we got from mosquitoes to mortgage finance woes is beyond me but I recounted my grand jury experience with Lions Moe and Tony and they seemed less than satisfied.

The 24th revealed a group of chilled Lions huddling around the bar for warmth, cabbies, and merlots with the exception of Lion chuck-Buck-Rogers championing a frozen Budweiser while the likes of Lions Klink, Anderson, and Oliveira sipped in disbelief, all of them applauded by Lion Andy, who stood fast while we all shooed Lion Dayne the Insane away from collecting from tardy Lions. Talk went to the ;possibility of the club  working the beer booth at the Roseville fairgrounds. Should know by next week. Lion Larry's reminder spurred Lion Dick's remembrance of the last time we worked it and didn't have limes for the Corona's. Would have brought down the food fairies wrath upon us for serving a food with beer, a food that would require inspection. Wouldn't want someone to get sick, segueing to my recent Kaiser visit for a blood sample and Medical ID on a flash drive. When the flash drive secretary asked me for a password, I gave her my favorite, which includes the letters "usc." She asked if I attended Cardinal and Gold Heaven and I told her I did. She, snippet that she was, shot back that she had attended the University of California at Bezerkey. "Go Bears" I seethed back at her and left to give blood, cardinal red, of course.  I returned moments later, asking if she had seen this week's edition of Time Magazine. "No," she replied. I don't think you brought it with you." Confounded and disgruntled, I turned to leave when she said, "Sir, it's rolled up in your back pocket." Damned if it wasn't, and I would not have reported her to the authorities until she followed it with "Trojans, duhhhhh.....!" and cracked into an hysterical laugh. I hope she likes her new job at Burger King.

The 3rd witnessed a full table of Lions Dick, Jug, Joe, Larry, Dan, Bill and moi trying to digest our pork while Lion Dick fumed about a grandchild screwing up his digital watch. Said he didn't know what time it was or where he was. Nothing much has changed. LPSSTT found no visiting Lions or guests but returning Lion Bill Grant took the Exempt Badge at $5.00. We hashed over Alaskan fishing trips (I'm outta here in August again!) and Lion Pat's joke was reshaped for the mayor:  dairy farmers of western England  heard of a cow that gave twice as much milk as the average cow. They secured one and wanted naturally to breed it, but to no avail. They went to a vet who looked it over and asked perchance if it came from Wales. The famers replied yes it did. They were agitated enough to follow up by asking if that was the problem. "No, no," said the vet, "that's not it. My wife is from Wales." Even the mayor laughed. LPSSTT then gave the floor to Lions Dennis and Roy-Loy-Chad who hustled flag day and brown bags for LEO's. Lion Roy-Loy-Chad could not contain himself when talking of the new EV Cain LEO's, all five of them. Lion Pip eats on the house and moi, freaking moi, finally won the golf ball pool for a cool $80, which LPSSTT attempted to have returned to the club but to no avail.

The 10th revealed two legends of athletic law, former AD Lion Chuck-Buck Rogers and SFL Commish Covich sparring over the new SFL alignment that says adios to Oakmont and hello to Nevada Union, all the while parsing what it's like to form athletic leagues that are mixed in participation according to team strength, not to mention sex. That quickly descended into girls wrestling and mixed participation sports and the gleeful scenes of girls and guys in various stages of dress/undress, especially in swimming, which segued Lion Chuck into the tale of a Bay Area swimming pool losing water as rapidly as California is losing its bond rating. After the fix-it foam was administered to the pool, things really didn't get much better, unless, of course, you count having a discussion of the side effects of my new prescription (Coumadin) or the fact that Lion Larry Klink joined our table for the day. As to the Coumadin, I told Lion Jug he had been standing too close to me lately. We compared dosages and he puffed out his chest. Thank God someone saw fit to bring up the Super Bowl or we would have been mired in pharmaceuticals the rest of the day. Who Dat? According to Lion Larry Klink, an avid bettor, a lot of people tanked when they kicked with the Colts. Over Chinese noodles and green tea ice cream, we chatted further about the good job the LEO's did at the Meadow Vista crab feed and Lion Klink and I continued to search for the all-encompassing big food blow-out that might rival the old Tevis Ride dinner. St. Paddy's day is still a possibility but we just need some more heathens. We irreverently "listened" to LPSSTT as he took up the business of the day and awarded the Exempt Badge to Lion Bob Lawrence for $11.00. Lion Pip then addressed the crowd regarding Lion Andy Zimmer's fantastic dancing at the Meadow Vista Crab Feed. Lion Pip presented Lion Andy with a pair of ribboned dancing shoes for having successfully dislocating Lion Paul Batmale's wife's left hip in the "Montana Throwdown" a dance that Lion Andy used with two-month old lambkins and cossets in his sheepish days in Big Sky country. The shoes were, as Andy acknowledged, "foo-fooey but downright handsome." He promised to use them at home in a large stall. When audience members who were also at the crab feed gigged Andy for his dancing prowess, the Montanan replied," Well, if you guys knew how to dance, your ladies wouldn't be hammering me!" After the laughter, Lion Chuck-Buck reviewed our Higgins commitment, Lion Mark appealed for new officers for next year, Lion Larry reported that the Visual Center was getting its act together and that we got $500 from LEF for the ARD (check your abbreviations guide) and Lion Pat, after some niener-niener whining about his place on the agenda, offered the joke of the day: Three ladies were chatting in a doctor's office about birth control. One said she used the pill, another said the rhythm method worked for her, and the third said she used the "glassy-eyed coffee can" method. Confused, the first two ladies asked her to describe it. "Well, she said, my husband is short and I am tall and we love having sex standing up, so he always stands on a coffee can, and I just look into his eyes and when they become glassy, I kick the can out." Momentary confusion, then an eruption of calls for a fine, which LPSSTT put down, noting Lion Pat's past history of bringing jokes forthwith. Lion Ralphie shoots his eye out and eats for free next week while the phantom polishes a beautiful blank ball.

The 17th revealed an Educator's table brimming with fable—Lion Jug gleefully announced that tomorrow was comeuppance day for the Trojans when they would stand before their maker, the NCAA, over Reggie Bush and O.J. Mayo. One could tell the CIF commissioner wanted to be there to exact due punishment for not playing by the rules. Rules? We don't need no stinking rules. Not to worry I told them. It would only make the Trojans hit harder. Locally, we munched on the idea of Placer High foregoing the Senior Project in these tough economic times. The only costs to the program are buying subs for the English department to read the papers. Leaving the non-funded Project in the dust we went o the outrageous bonuses and rich bankers and the ugly mortgage scams only to be brought back to reality by LPSSTT's Exempt Badge bidding war between Lions Lant Barney and Denny Suppinger. Lion Denny walked with it for $16. Lion Pat introduced himself as Lion Andy Zimmer in case anyone took offense at his political joke of the day—Sitting together on a train was Obama, George W. Bush, a little old lady, and a young blonde girl with large breasts. The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, Obama has a bright red hand print on his cheek. No one speaks. The old lady thinks: Obama must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped him. The blonde girl thinks: Obama must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped him. Obama thinks: Bush must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead. George Bush thinks: I can’t wait for another tunnel, so I can smack Obama again. OK, our politically correct club issued a loud guffaw in unison followed by random chuckling. LPSSTT brought everyone back to the table with a call for Lion Mark Stempel to talk of upcoming club positions and a refresher from Lion Chuck-Buck Rogers on the Higgins award. Lion Dan the Man McLain eats freely next week and Lion Joe Rawson keeps polishing the pellet.

The 24th revealed the sound of silence at the table, everyone eating as if he were Judas at the last supper, nobody wanting to break the silence. Only LPSSTT's loss of the bell (talk about a panicked puppy!) saved the cavernous silence as he stalked about the room, querying every suspicious looking Lion, all the while the bell resting comfortably as the centerpiece of Shields' Shanty. There were enough guests present that they could have held their own meeting. Supervisor Jim Holmes showed up to dispel all of the uglies appearing in the Auburn Journal regarding county employees and their pay in these tough times. Lion Derek Ledda from the Maharlika Lions of Sacramento was there to push for his 2nd vice district governorship, and guest speaker Vicki Post of Ski for Light brought her two able assistants, Bruce and Betsy. Lion Dayne saved the club from a $2.00 Exempt Badge embarrassment by throwing himself on his $5.00 spear. From there we fell off the side of the planet, Lion Joe Clay trumpeting that the LEO's had made $800 in tips at the Meadow Vista Crab feed and the club generously rounded it off to $1000 for them. Lions that they are, the LEO's immediately gave it to the Haiti Relief Fund. Supervisor Jim Holmes then took up the county's position on raises and furloughs  (that saved 6.7 million this year) and did his supervisorial best to convince all that the stuff appearing in the Journal is not totally accurate. Supe Jim was followed by Derek Ledda from the Maharlika Lions who did a great job of telling his message about the power of one Lion, one club, one district and the worldwide organization to make a meaningful difference in people's lives. Lion Chuck-Buck Rogers reminded all of the deadline of the end of March to have in all Higgins Award recommendations and Lion Roy-Loy-Chad brought up Lions Joe Clay, Bob Hostler, and Jim Moore in recognition of the great work they have been doing with LEO's. Joe is the advisor for Placer and Jim is the advisor for E.V. Cain. As LPSSTT was about to ring the found bell to dismiss, cries of "Birthdays and Anniversaries" rang out amid the rabble along with demands for a fine. Shaken and wobbly after paying his fine, LPSSTT went about soliciting at each table for birthdays and anniversaries. When none came forth, LPSSTT was incensed, crying "How can I be fined when there are no birthdays or anniversaries?" Only in Lionism. Lion Chris Beck eats on the house next week, and Lion Andy Zimmer gets to polish a third ball.

The 3rd witnessed Lion Chuck-Buck Rogers rolling the birthday dice for a dicey $3.00. Chuck's age is unknown but he is famous for acting like a twelve-year-old.

 

The 10th revealed a seventy-three-year-old Lion Bill Knorp pay four bucks to blow out the candles while our own LPSSTT succeeded in crapping the club on his anniversary.

The 17th revealed Lions Ralphie Wilson ($3.00) and Roy-Loy-Chad Kleger ($2.00) rolling for respective birthdays of 70 and 66. Lion Ralphie said his whole family of seventeen was converging on Serene Lakes where his grandchildren would do a tap dance on his withered 70-year-old body.

The 24th revealed an absolute dearth of birthdays or anniversaries.

The 3rd witnessed returning Lion Bill Grant bringing us up to date on his health progress which progressed for enough time that all Lions re-inspected their love of figs. Lion Bill chronicled his four months in a wheel chair but said today things were looking up because he had no casts or pins in his bones. Lion Bill did affirm that he smelled so bad when he came home that he had his wife hose him down on the back porch and he had two medical assistants in the hospital who kept him up a night so he told them both to "get the hell our of my room and don't come back!' Spoken like a true Lion.

The 10th revealed Lion Carl Thompson says hello but he probably won't be making to many meetings in the future. He doesn't favor the auto-chair at the Tahoe Club, and his feet are so afflicted he can't walk to his car.

The 17th revealed a cheery, healthy crew.

The 24th revealed the editor back on track for sinus surgery on April 19th. Who can cover the meeting on the 21st?

The 3rd witnessed Bridget Powers, Mayor of Auburn, and Bob Richardson, City Manager, hold forth on the City council and mayor's recent  activities. Bridgett started out by saying she had the perfect piece of equipment for Lion Bill Grant, a solar shower rather than having his wife hose him off. When the chuckles subside, Bridgett closed in on the landmark work the council has taken on in the areas of redevelopment and the airport business park. The councils three to four year effort has produced Streetscape (ribbon cutting on February 24th with live music and a BBQ) and new marquee for the state theater and a business park association still in the formation that will act upon getting signage to direct people to the airport, broadband, the return of the Air Show on July 10th, a part-time airport manager, and a remodeling of Coherent.  Along the way Bridgett touched basis with several club members she has known a long time, from Lions Dan McLain to Mike Morello to Pat MKee. Fielding questions, Bridgett touched on the council's actions on pitbulls as well as the person responsible for bringing enterprises to Auburn, Bob Richardson, Bob noted that there are a number of "players" out there, businesses who want to locate here but are simply waiting out the economic downturn. An exception he noted was Costco, who ready to move and the stoppage is not with the city, but with the land owners Costco is negotiating with. Bridgett issued her own declawing zinger when she stopped two-thirds of the way into her presentation and asked, "Are we all awake?"

The 10th revealed an energized John Ruffcorn of the APD bringing to the club an "on-the-spot" awareness of the issues confronting the Auburn Police Department today. John has 24 years of police experience, most of it in Riverside county (4500 employees strong) as opposed to Auburn (22 employees). He has over the years been involved in gangs and narcotics investigations and has even been featured on the TV show "Cops." He met his "FBI wife" while he was working the southland and she was in Sacramento. When they wed, he moved north. His take on the foothills and specifically Auburn was really interesting: 1) the APD has moved from being understaffed to being back to "normal," 2) there are a number of stats that can tell us all where we are— 598 major felonies in the last year (36% of them solved), they have a school resource officer, 141 vandals (22 arrests), 393 investigations (over 60% solved), 1300 traffic tickets (most of their revenue going to the state. In the "popcorn" of figures and stats the most interesting things were the issues APD faces: 1) Budget, 2) Release of Criminals, 3) "Bedspace," 4) Technology (the bad guys always seem a step ahead). 5) generational issues (older values and younger kids, 6) moving from arrest and incarcerate to prevent and train, 7) crime analysis, 8) booking fees (from four to eleven thousand in one year—the state and feds have withdrawn funding), and 9) the costs to run the court system without help. All of the items John brought up gave everyone food for thought in these tough economic times. Their task seems overwhelming. One could tell that law enforcement, like all other public entities, begin to "rob Peter to pay Paul" when there is an economic downturn.

The 17th revealed a really intriguing presentation on child pornography and the internet presented by U.S. justice department attorney Laurel White and Special Agent Nick Phirippidis of the FBI. Based in District 4 (from the Oregon border down to Bakersfield) Sacramento headquarters, they work to combat the newest of crimes that has emerged along with the spread of the internet—trafficking in child pornography. Their work seems like placing a "finger in the dyke" as they try to locate and prosecute members of society who traffic in childhood pornography. The overwhelming 'bigness" of the concern (think international) is daunting. Laurel said there were over a million sites that offered child porn world wide. The Sacramento office has two to three who work specifically on the issue. She noted that recent years have seen two trends emerge with the images that are produced. The victims are younger and the violence is crueler. Laurel emphasized that one of the staples of their approach is to inform, to reach out to parents and others to educate their children on the dangers of the internet, especially the social networking sites like Facebook and MySpace.  What youngsters don't realize is that what they put up on those sites and the level of security they choose, are open invitations to predators. She emphasized, as did Nick with a sleight of hand card trick, just how easy it was for predators to gain the confidence of youngster's in chat rooms. They presented a graphic example in the "Lucy" chat room devoted strictly to young girls. Lucy turned out to be a man, a predator. Predators, she contended, are extremely skilled in manipulation. She emphasized our kids need to be "internet savvy" and realize that when they post a photo or issue a comment, they cannot take it back or erase it. Nick spoke of the virtual freedom offered by today's modern cell phones, all having cameras and many internet access. Though schools can block sites, cell phones are not regulated and all the kids have them. All! Theirs is the kind of message that brings new inspection to the old phrase "Keeping in touch."

 The 24th revealed a return engagement by Vicki Post of Ski for Light. Accompanied by her guide dog Admiral, Vicki gave us an update on the organization and hammered home the three things she wanted to leave with us: 1) Ski for Light truly adores our club, 2) they are grateful to us because they know we have always "had their back" (she pirouetted to show our name on the back of their T-shirts), and 3) what we do truly makes a difference. Vicki emphasized that recreation was more than important for the visually handicapped and that it installed confidence. To illustrate her point, Vicki had us all stand up and close our eyes, turn to the left and then to the right. The disorientation that occurs (especially with a bunch of us who are considered old) was evident. Ski for Light puts the blind in the position of learning to deal with and conquer feelings of helplessness and fear. It gives them the freedom to "learn Life." Vicki went on to tell of their need for guides, especially junior guides, and followed that with a number of numerous incidents that had occurred on the slopes. Her assistant, Bruce Johnson, used to be the commander of Mather Air Base and was there to close it down. A veteran of 25 years in the Air Force, Bruce said that his grandfather instilled in him the idea that giving back was always rewarding. "Always leave the wood pile taller that when you came," Bruce quoted his grandfather as saying. As head of the junior guides, Bruce feels just that way. As he said, "It's time to chop some wood."

The 3rd witnessed  LPSSTT using the "tap dance" metaphor to spur Lion Bill Grant into recounting his misadventures. Lion Loy-Roy-Chad replied "No, but he's got a ladder for sale."

After Lion Bill's five minute summation of his bone-breaking woes and LPSSTT welcoming him back, Lion Uncle Larry Brown meted out "I didn't even know you were gone."

The 10th revealed Lion Slovak Covich remarking upon hearing that Lion Carl Thompson said he did not favor the auto-chair at the Tahoe Club, and his feet are so afflicted he can't walk to his car, that his real reason for non-attendance was that he watched Lion Wayne Foote ride the chair up one day and the next day Lion Wayne died. Gallows humor is still alive and well in the Auburn Host.

The 17th revealed a day lacking venom of any sort. It must have been the early spring weather.

The 24th revealed Lion Jim Moore, when asking a question of visiting Supervisor Jim Holmes who had been explaining the venom and anger expressed in his recent email and the ugly tone of the article in the Journal that prodded him into using a more civil tone, summarize it for all by saying "So we are the test case for the tone you are trying to set?"

LPSSTT after listening to Lion Bill Grant describe his operation requiring pins to keep his bones together and actually showing the pin to all and comparing it to a wood screw, LPSSTT made a name for himself by yukking, "You're the last person in this club to get screwed." The tail twister immediately called for a fine and LPSSTT grudgingly acquiesced.

Lions International Code of Conduct 001:  The Club President shall not pick on a recovering club member

The 3rd witnessed  Dennis Lloyd on an upcoming Flag Day at Skyridge school

The 10th revealed Dennis Lloyd on an upcoming Flag Day at Skyridge school as well as Bowman School. Further Lion Dennis said that at 11:00 am today he and LPSSTT, carrying a flag presented to his father, gave the flag to Skyridge school and actually hoisted it aloft! It brought a tear to the eye of the principal.
 

The 17th revealed LPSSTT telling the assembly that The Flying Doctors are having a fundraiser ($45) on February 27th. Contact LPSSTT if interested. District Lions are also hosting and e-waste center at 169 Taylor Road on March 6th.

The 24th revealed Lions Klink and Rogers touting the beer booth at the Roseville Fair and the Higgins Award recommendations

Extreme Profile

Bud Beadles

I wish you only the best and promise  on-going governance and support, and if you believe that, I am Tommy Tratt. By the way, have you seen the bell?

Remember, I do want to hear from you. Just click on my smiling visage to email me with your suggestions and recommendations. Unfortunately, I will be out of the office until further notice. Any items about calendaring my presence at meetings should be addressed to Andy Zimmer, my secretary.

The "We're in Counseling" Lions from Connubial, Africa. Henry and Meg have been putting on seminars for troubled Lion couples for over a quarter of a century. Meg ascribes their success to Henry's knack of knowing when to bow out of difficult discussions.

This is really a tardy Christmas greeting from two of Santa's elves. Who are they? Was anyone here actually ever a Lion?

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.
Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read:

"I have circled the block 10 times.
If I don't park here, I'll miss my
appointment.
FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES."

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note.

"I've circled this block for 10
years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job.

Lead Us Not Into Temptation."

The Newsweek editor wrote a book and stole an epithet. By the way, Andrew Jackson was one of the first Lions awarded a posthumous prize by Helen Keller.

Davis Love

"It's not a whole lot of fun when you lose, and tying is about the same. So hopefully we can get him a win.”

"I hit the ball in the fairway a bunch and that certainly helps.”

"Every time I missed a fairway I was in a bad place. Sometimes I couldn't even chip out. I hit it bad off the tee and never gave myself a chance to play, so that's frustrating. It was just one of those days.”

Do we need to sponsors a Mayor's breakfast or another dignitary? Check it out....

The Board met at Lion Bob Hostler's residence on Montalvo Court off Dairy Road. Lotsa ham to mimic everyone's demeanor. The major thing accomplished was that Lion Andy agreed to cook a family member when he hosts the board. Baaaaaa

You were such weenie with HEROES these VILLAINS should have been easy.