July  2010

The Budman

The 7th witnessed  the editor in beautiful downtown Monterey, taking in the sights of hundreds of harbor seals acting like Rotarians after a big lunch, catching the surf and the  breezes, and hunting for more good seafood. Great restaurant on the wharf that doesn't mind the dog you brought and seats you outside where you can watch the seals and seabirds duel it out while the dog alternately yaps and begs for another piece of calamari.

The 14th revealed the editor pawing away at bartender Lion Chris for a pen and paper(forgot them for the first time). Lion Bud offered napkins for a scratch pad. Could this be the early onset of brain plaque otherwise known as the big A?  I'll make sure I ask our speaker guests from Sutter Auburn Faith today. Shit! I forgot her name again!

The 21st found the unlikely assemblage of Lions Klink, Rogers, and Batmale holding forth on the Trojan travails and upcoming schedules. Reggie losing the Heisman, Mike Garrett (whom I blocked for in my senior season and who has comped me great tickets in years past) dismissal as AD, the hiring of Pat Haden as new AD—all of these transmogrifications occurred because a bunch of old white men think they are lawyers. If USC lacks "institutional control," what can be said of an organization that has sold its soul to the television industry and video games, the funds returned, of course, to the players that earned them, NOT  Tut... tut... tut...Fight On! It may take another century, but we will get this right some day. Lion Chuck was good enough to remind us that his Spartans used to butt heads with San Quentin inmates—ouch! Lion Bill Grant, fresh from a seminar on bar behavior offered by Lion Steve Stephenson, cursorily snagged some pretzels and free water on his way to socialist dependency. I gave Lion Paul Batmale The Real All-Americans for a good read. It's featured in the new Book Nook.

The 28th produced a bar scene inhabited by a healing Lion Klink, Tony O, Paul the 7-up King (give me some ice and squeeze the "L"), moi, and other  miscreants. Talk turned to travel arrangements as Bartender Bud contemplated have to travel to see his grand nephew play for the Broncos (signed for a cool four million plus). San Diego or Oakland? Illegal aliens or certified basket cases? I crowed that we would be losing our Cal tailgate because of the Pac Bell Park game location this fall. Lion Larry mentioned taking a ferry. Then it segued into Hawaii's Thursday night game against the Trojans and somehow wound up with Lion Tony telling of his recent vacation to Alaska. I pumped him for info seeing that I'm departing mid-August for the Kenai and silvers and halibut. It was a great, relaxed jawfest, especially since Lion Klink popped for my Corona. It reminded me of the trailers for the new flic, Inception.

The 7th witnessed Monterey Madness....  

The 14th revealed a table alive with barbecued chicken, potato salad and a machine gun discussion of growing zucchini, tomatoes, and peppers, smothered in the Gulf oil spill that was skillfully contained with the new Hillman Foundation brochure and three headers from the World Cup.  What made it all go down gently was Lion Paul Prez-to-Be's own synthetic badge, a glossy mess of Lion color with a papered center identifying him as a guy who definitely needs help. As in a new real badge. Hey, Bob, you listening? Get the guy a badge. He looks like he's sporting a feminine napkin! One guest of Steve Eklund's is Jim Shallow (Sp?) who is thinking of membership. Lion Paul, despite the shortcomings of his "official badge," introduced Mindy and Carol, the latter a Zobel I heard (or maybe it was just that I taught a student named Brian Zobel). Lion Stevie 'Wonder" Eklund, sporting a new goatee, captured the Exempt Badge for a mere $9.00. With the absence of Lion Pat "Kick Ass" McKee, LPAAFM (Lion Prez Always Andy From Montana) solicited for a Joke of the Day, reminding all that we had a "mixed audience." If he meant women were present, that's OK. If he meant women were present, that's still not OK. Get it? I was really only concerned about the four gay guys in the back.  Lion Bill Grant rose to fill Lion Pat's shoes but ended up paying a fine. Damn, the committee reports were even more dire. Lion Joltin' Jimmy Moore said it would take another week to square up things with all the product vendors before we had an accurate sense of the funds we made on the Air Fair, Lion Steve reminded us of White Cane Day on October 1, and Lion Pip presented Lion Jug Covich with an Outstanding Service Award for all of his work with the Auburn Hosts. Fittingly, Lion Jug won a free meal for next week (Yugoslavian greens) and Lion Steve Eklund does not only polish a golf ball, but weaves it through his new goatee.

The 21st found Lion Jug captivating us all with his tale of his pedicure/massage at the hands of Amy, who was, like her co-workers, of Vietnamese descent, attuned to the comfort of the customer. All of this because Lion Jug found toenail clippings under our table! When I asked Jug if they did just toenails, he deferred and said. "Oh, no, they do everything else." Eyes widened. Pulses pounded. Tongues hung out. Then we moved on. At that point Lion Dick, after Jug fielded a question on toenail tipping, jumped in with his assessment of pedicures and said that the Japanese, according to his daughter, definitely tip the best. I, of course, could only offer my son's Leatherby's experience with tight church folk who never tipped at all and called him a "son of Satan." They got that right, God bless 'em. From there we laughed our way through the Journal's coverage of the Valencia Club's "grand opening" by a worker/owner(?) and the ever-present prospect of legal pot growing in the foothills. Lion Tom's angel hair pasta guided us through it all. LPAAFM gonged us into the reality that there were no visiting guests or Lions (unless one counts Bill North) and the Exempt Badge went to Lion Mark Stempel for $9.00, a matching pledge he made to the Berkeley Socialists Society. The Joke of the Day turned out to be a July 4th explosion by several members: Lion Larry Klink told a parrot joke that got him back in the flow. Given the possibility of being upstaged, Lion Pat McKee rose to tell us all of the most popular joke of 2010: "Two women were sitting quietly, minding their own business." Yes, that was it and he didn't even pay a fine, LPAAFM! His other jokes did not qualify for the Huzza-Huzza Humor Award but they did scrape by. Unfortunately, the joke telling erupted at the table level, Lion Dick Anderson asking "Why did the chicken cross the road?" As we all waited agony, the Oracle of Ophir came back with "To see Gregory Peck!" That was followed by Lion Lant asking what service the IRS did for one. "The same, " he intoned, "that the bull does for the herd." Check out their results in FINES. Bless you, LPAAFM, you followed through with the fining! You should apply to the NCAA! Lion Jug Civics/Coveech/Covotch/Covatch/Covich then rose to thank the club for last week's award, saying he didn't know why he was given the award. He got his answer in applause.  After LPAAFM said there were no committee reports, a gaggle of people rose to contravene him: Lion Mike Morello gave us a new date for the Guest Golf Tourney (Monday, September 13), Lion Jimbo Moore hawked two different shades of blue shirts (one a definite commie manifesto). LPAAFM ended it all with a drawing that produced Lion Pip eating for free and non-golfer Lion Jug Covitch/ Covich/Coveech/ Covotch/ Covatch capturing a glistening Nike.

The 28th produced the second week in a row that LPAAFM cooled us all out with new sandals sans socks. LPAAFM revealed to me that he had difficulty removing the pink toenail polish. Damn, he's getting cooler and cooler.... There was no room at the educator's table so I sat next to Lion Uncle Larry Brown warily. I'm not a kid but I'm a few years younger and I think that qualifies me for special attention. Lion FPTT (former prez Tommy Tratt) paid an egregious sum ($20) for all of us to find out that he shot a 72 at Auburn Valley (33 on the front nine!). Next time he promises to play with a ball. Calls for a joke with Lion Pat in absentia fell on deaf, but then aroused, ears. Lion Mike Morello rose to offer his tale of a southerner fishing without bait. Lion Gabe followed with a Satanic sentiment. Finally Lion Leon Mr. Tradition Caldwell rose to tell that a member of a golf scramble thought the idea of a scramble was good because it was like being a Democrat in that he got all the privileges (provided by others). LPAAFM rose to the occasion and fined Lion Leon back into submissive banterings. The free meal went to Lion Bob Hostler and Al Archer got $10.00 for his two-spot.

The 7th witnessed  Monterey Madness....  

The 14th revealed Lion Glenn Kenes wallowing in his 17years of marriage which caused him to crap the club abruptly with a seven. As he did his victory dance, Lion Roy Kleger offered his mild 7 year itch to the group and then he had the overwhelming gall to reproduce Lion Glenn's roll. The first ever double crapper in history! We now know what we have all suspected. Lion Roy is full of crap! The sanitation department has been notified and we are on a healthy path to Margaritaville for next year's induction.

The 21st found Nada.

The 28th produced Lion Wayne Johnson claiming a buck fifty's worth of 48 years of marital madness and four-fifty's worth of living for either 79 or 80 years. He can't remember.  Lion Wayne's request to turn this part of the meeting into a game show was declined. Lion Bill North showed for the second week in a row and laid claim to 92 years on the planet. We should have paid him! Go, Bill!

The 10th witnessed   Lion Larry Klink up and about at the Air Fair and feeling a part of it all. Welcome back, Lion Larry.

The 14th revealed a healthy household.

The 21st found all well and good. Great to see Lion Klink back in the fold.

The 28th produced a fit bunch of really old farts all queued up and eating like mad. Maybe it's global warming....Lion Ralph below is counseling Lion Uncle Larry about certain behaviors, ones totally unbecoming to an Auburn Host unless they too have eight-passenger vans....

The 7th witnessed  a veritable ooga-ooga of sententious scraping. No Stringings...but a host of good photos courtesy of Lion Dick Anderson....

The 14th revealed Mindy Danovaro of Sutter Auburn Faith Hospital give us a PowerPoint presentation that raced through the history of Auburn Faith from the ten founding physicians who broke ground in 1966 and the programs, awards, and outpatient services available today: oncology, bariatric, infusion therapy, wound care, and VNA (visiting nurses association). Further Mindy spoke to the latest technologies available and championed the family birth center. What makes Sutter Auburn Faith so special, Mindy maintains, is its small footprint within the larger scale of American Health Care.

The 21st found our own Patrick McKee, Tahoe Club PhD, expound upon the environs we currently occupy. Lion Pat, a Tahoe Club member, gave us the gist of a presentation he made to current Tahoe Clubbers. The club, he said, was founded a hundred years ago. Why was it formed? Nobody knows. Most people think it was founded upon the model of the Sutter Club in Sacramento, which was devoted to legislators and was certainly men only. The speculation for the club's requirements boils down to two things: 1) turn of the century bars were often accompanied by bordellos and wives would not approve, and 2) the club members (made up of judges, lawyers, professionals) did not want to risk associating with felons. The club had 41 original members, made up largely of professionals in the community. They were chartered in 1909 and used to meet at the old Morgan Building. Their charter cites their purpose as the "promotion of social intercourse." In 1910 there were 2376 people living in Auburn. The first motion picture arrived in 1913. The Tahoe Club members purchased the current lot for $1550 when a creek ran in front of the place. The members put up promissory notes of $20 each to purchase it. The architect was Frank S. Holland, and the place was built in 75 days at a total cost of both land and construction of $12,109. When the club opened, there were five different membership levels and they constructed a number of traditions that live until today: Ladies Night, Jinx Day, Christmas Dinner, and the Seafood/Crab Feed. Gaining entrance to the club is as simple as having the board of directors vote to accept you.

After Lion Pat finished his awesome presentation, four guys from Ophir kept asking him what was "Susie's Secret"?

The 28th produced one of the founders of the Auburn Boys and Girls Club, Jay Ross, stop by to barter with us (a free lunch for his talk) about the Auburn-Sacramento Barter Club. Jay said the impetus for this was his cabin in Tahoe that sat empty most of the time. He thought he could barter with friends and associates to use the cabin in exchange for his getting goods and services (food, lawn care, whatever). The idea took hold and eventually became a club. In the first year he had about fifty businesses. That has grown substantially with about 350 business currently using barter script, which is the equivalent of "cash." The club itself issues a newsletter, gives out monthly statements (ala VISA), and is made up for the most part of "mom and pop" enterprises. In a poor economy, the Barter Club is a "hang tight" group that recognizes the value of sharing goods and services. The IRS is always there too. Club members get their 1099's every year. Members (life at $395 and yearly introductory at $199) see it as a way to move both money, goods, and services.
 

The 7th witnessed  Monterey Madness....  

The 14th revealed Lion Jim Moore being hailed to give an abbreviated report on the success of the Air Fair. Doesn't anyone know of the Strategic Air Command and planes in the air at all times? Two of my six brothers were Air Force retirees and I can tell you they loved the blue....

The 21st found Lion Pat suffering the slings and arrows of the entire club when asked if he, the guest speaker, should receive a free lunch. He received his denunciation well, though, calling the assembly a "bunch of bastards."

Lion Pat, as he is often seen, misspoke (?) and characterized the purpose of the Tahoe Club as the "promotion of sexual intercourse." He regrouped immediately and said it was "social intercourse," but the damage had been done. The club responded affectionately. That characterization is easily dispelled if one looks at a current photo gallery of Tahoe Club Members.

The 28th produced Lion Steve Stephenson responding to LPAAFM's announcement that Jim Moore was not here for an Air Fair update by saying, "That'll cut the meeting in half." Lion Paulo Batmale intoning when introducing our speaker Jay Ross of the Auburn-Sacramento Barter Club that it could be a barter shop for girlfriends. Several Lions asked for the procedure to sign up. Lion Gabe got into the act with a follow-up question to Jay Ross of the Barter Club—"Got any undertakers in the club?"

The 7th witnessed  Monterey Madness....  

The 14th revealed Lion Bad Billy Grant suffering at the hands of Guiseppe....no Danise, no DaNephew, and NoDaDummshit....

The 21st found Lions Dick Anderson and Lant Barney practicing "table taunts" which guaranteed them fines!

The 28th produced Lion Leon being savaged by LPAAFM for telling the dumbest joke ever about a golf scramble, a Democrat, and consequent privileges.

The 10th witnessed  Thunder in the Sky! Thanks to Lion Dick Anderson for all the great photos!

The 11th saw the club alive and well at the Library Garden Series....Thanks again, to Lion Dick Anderson....

The 14th revealed Lion Steve Stephenson reminding us all that October 1 is White Cane Day.

The 21st found Lion Iron Mike Morello reminding us of the Monday, September 13th date for the Guest Member Invitational Golf Tourney.

The 28th produced the Silence of the Lambs. Only LPAAFM could be heard panting.

Lion Joe Clay

We all know what's really cool! Just ask your average sheep...

This lion went a step too far in bringing down a baby elephant just because it got fined for trumpeting.  Then again, it's not really poaching in the wilds.

Ok, there is Joe the Colorado Kid and Gabe. Who's the looker between them?

""""

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.

The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs. The old gentleman said, "Oh, no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50." The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "Not yet. It's his turn with the teeth."
 

"

Click on the golf ball for an interview.

The Jefferson Lions Club of Jefferson, Texas, has done a lot of work helping the victims of Hurricanes Rita and Katrina.

Anyone who wants to know the history of college football in America should pick this one up. It's tough to acknowledge that 24 kids died in 1912 of head injuries when only one-fiftieth of the current population was playing the game. It's even tougher to realize that some of these early players participated at Wounded Knee and most had moms and dads that fought us (the white man). Check out Colonel Pratt, the Civil War hero who took on the task of shaping a military barracks (Carlisle) into the toughest, fastest football team in the nation. "Pop" Warner had a lengthy stay at Carlisle too that included coaching Jim Thorpe, whose life and times in the Olympics are chronicled with his successive loss of Olympic medals and demise of Carlisle as a football powerhouse.  What's cool about Sally Jenkins' reporting (beyond the fifty pages of footnotes) is that she lets events speak for themselves.  My copy is with Lion Paul Batmale. Ask him when he's done and pass it along.  — Lion TJ

The board met for several days at Paul Batmale's abode to decide whether or not to meet once a month or once a year. Click on the ghoulish graveyard for a show.

Lion Pat in World Record Time solves 50's Rock 'n Roll—1 hour and 12 minutes! Forget it Ophir. Just forget it!

This month’s crossword requires you to put on your TV thinking cap as well as your skills in math. The critical words will all ask you to think of a TV show that has a number in its title. If this was music and the clue was a Three Dog Night Album, you may want to choose one, as in the song “One is the Loneliest Number. Hang tight, read the clues, and please do better than you did in cycling. Ophir residents, beware. We are now using something called language. Remember, Dr. Oz says using your left brain in crosswords helps ward of Alzheimer’s.

July Solution